Frustration Creek

It has now been 2 weeks since my 2nd heart surgery. It seems like a blur now. Now, I am home recovering, again. I’m sorry to say, but I need a major attitude adjustment. This is much more difficult than the first time around in some ways, and easier in other ways. I am in less pain this time around, and I feel very mobile. I do not feel very much short of breath compared to surgery #1. Physically, I feel good. My mom and I went on a 4-5 mile walk only days after returning home from the hospital. On the other hand, my doctor has put more restrictions on me. She does not want me to over do it at all during the first 12 weeks, so I need some new hobbies. I’ve been planting succulents.

Worst of all, this time I have to give myself hefty doses of antibiotics through a PICC line in my arm. I have to do this 4 times a day. These medications are broad spectrum because they do not know exactly which ‘bug’ caused the bacterial endocarditis (heart infection).

This is actually the hardest part…

I thought that I was done with uncertainty. I thought that after my first surgery, everything would be fixed and I wouldn’t have that dark thundercloud of uncertainty looming over my head any longer. People who get bacterial endocarditis once are more at risk at getting it again. Now I have this to worry about. Also, the fact that we don’t know which bacterium caused it, means that I don’t know how to prevent it. It probably came from my mouth though, because I had a week or so of bad bleeding gums, which is a common entry point for mouth bacteria that can cause Bacterial Endocarditis. So now I practice immaculate oral hygiene.

Sorry about all of this ‘woe-is-me’ crap. I need to get it out of my system. I feel more confused than ever. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the face by a donkey, and I’m sitting on the ground wondering what the hell happened. I thought I was home free, but now I’m lost without a map, alone.

The good news: I’m not dead. I’m trying SO HARD to remind myself of that. WHY the hell do I need to remind myself of this fact?!

I mean, I was literally days (or weeks) from death. This is something to be thankful for.

I’m trying.



6 thoughts on “Frustration Creek

  1. TinaMarie DiLemme-Krasner

    You got this Anthony! New hobbies are a good thing. I started menopause and took up crocheting again. Try that. Very relaxing and calming. And you can make lots of neat things for yourself or family/friends :). Stay positive cuz!! Love, T~

  2. Rosalie DiLemme

    You have a right to be down,depressed,confused and have all these uncertainties,but give yourself a date and kick them all in the ass and say goodbye,then take one day at a time one step at a time and you’ll do it Anthony b/c your smarter and stronger then all those fears.Stay strong kiddo you will do it.Love Aunt Ro

  3. Lorrie Myren

    Praying for a full and expeditious recovery Anthony.
    So sorry you had to go through all this.
    We really don’t have much control over these things sometimes.

  4. TJ

    hi Anthony,
    You are just fine. I somehow feel that your first one was related to too much activity too soon. And since you aren’t doing it this time around, and taking time to fully recover, you will be just fine. Of course, you are taking precautions with antibiotics and such, and that covers any possibility with infection anyway.
    Please try to relax. You are a hero to many. We follow you and look up to you. As you fully recover, and go after your biking and other rigorous activities, we look forward to seeing our role model, continuing to motivate us and inspire us to emulate him.


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